my grandpa died.

if you look up dumbass in the dictionary, you will see my picture, my fatass picture. got my sat scores back today. i am satisfied, not amazing, but i am within range of all the colleges i'm looking at. hell i even the scores for cornell. but of course, the dominating mother says it's not  good enough, i have to take them again. fuck that shit. we argued all morning about it and then when i was in homeroom she called me and screamed at me for a good five minutes.

i can't really describe the relationship with my ex boyfriend. like i can't loose him. he's my best friend even though things aren't where i would like them to be right now. i was so upset in school. like i don't know what's up but it's like this massive wave of depression has hit me. i have never felt this low and hurt and upset before. i started crying during english and history, but i managed to hold the tears back. naturally, my ex isn't there when i need him. he saw i was upset. he asked me what was wrong, before i had a chance to answer, he walked away from me. 

came home from school, still really upset. my mom bought me a cookie cake and wrote on it "good scores please take again." we argued for a good hour. i came downstairs and she smeared all the writing. so what did i do? i hate half of the humungo cookie cake. it was a combination of the depression and the "fuck you mom" attitude. i want to scream in her face hey i can destroy myself, you cannot control ever aspect of my life. 

so i left. i rode my bike over five miles to my ex's house. he met me at the park near his house. we still kiss. so we did and held hands and hugged and i just did not want to leave him. it's really hit me how much i regret the breakup. but i have to still stand behind my decision. i could not stand the way he treated me. he was a dick to me and he ever agreed with me. but we both need time apart. we both argeed we'd eventually get back together, but not right now. my mom called me and i said i'd ride my bike back and while i was on the phone (my mom hates him, if she found out i was with him, it would be pandimonium) he was flipping out about how i should have her pick me up, so i listened to him. he was liek i don't want to you to get raped i wouldn't have let you ride your bike here if i knew you were really going to do it. 

blah blah skip to tonight. we're texting and he's liek i don't know if we'll get together. wtf!!! what the hell changed his mind in a matter of hours. he said he loved me. if you love someone you should want ot be with them. he's liek thinks were to serious. omg are you fucking kidding me?!! he was the one always saying i want to marry you. after high school we'll find each other again. yet i am the one taking things tooo seriously?! i fucking hate him. i hate him for doing this to me. fuck him omg i fucking hate this i hate this i haven't never been so depressed before, like it  is an all time low. 

so now should i hook up with as many guys as i can this weekend and go for the "get him jealous" route? 

whatever, this will only fuel me. i'll be so pretty when i'm skinny. and he'll want me back. i will be skinny. i will be skinny. i will be skinny. weight is the one thing i have control over. 

wow i rambled a lot.

 feeling really depressed. so far like every day as soon as i get home from school i've binged. i have no motivation or energy to work out, so i haven't been for the past week. 

most recent ex boyfriend is convinced we will continue hooking up and having sex. whatever, i'm ok with it, but he won't admit he's still emotionally attached. he'll act like a dick to me in school but then sometimes he'll randomly call me and say he misses me and he wished i was with him right now so we could spoon and i could lay in his arms. naturally, i still have feelings for him, but the way he's been treating me recently has really purged me of the desire to be with him. at junior cruise he constantly was grabbing me inappropriately dispite my pleas for him to stop. it's not fair, why can't he treat me like a decent human being.

however, a different ex boyfriend and i have recently started talking again and i would love to get back together with him.. i think. i hate it. i want what i can't have and once i have it, i don't want it anymore. i know that if i start hooking up with him it isn't going to lead to a relationship. last time i tried getting back together with him he claimed "summer is coming up and he didn't want to be tied down", so what will be different this time? also i know that other ex boyfriend will start getting jealous and call me again at 2 o'clock in the morning with an ultimatum,  yet again. (like last time we broke up) 

i hate boys. i hate food. i hate life. 

i really want to cut. fuck the fucking warm weather and having to wear short sleeves.

 5/14

i have been binging like crazy. woke up this morning 116.5 =( i was supposed to be 110 by friday, obviously not happening. i have to get back on track asap. i'm starting now. no sweets, no carbs. just veggies, fruit, and a little bit of chicken. 

in other news, i miss my ex so much. it's really pathetic it's only been like three days. we still kiss in the hallways and hug and hold hands, i feel like nothing is changed, but i'm no where near ready to get back together.

grandpa is back in the hospital after being in nursing home for like a day. something with his leg being swollen. i doubt he even remembers that i visited him on sunday. =/

 my shitastic day -